l33tminion | Assumptions

First, two things:
1. Game club was fun. I played a board / card game called "Zombies!"
2. I updated my lists

On to my topic:

Today was Yom Kipur, the first time in my life that I have not been forced to observe the holiday. Several people commented on the fact that I wasn't fasting, and that made me uncomfortable. I really didn't like the fact that people were making assumptions about my religion (even though these assumptions were logical; when my mom sent me a gift of food for Rosh Hashana, I shared it with everyone, and the email I sent to Gluttony (the food related mailing list at Olin) wished people L'Shana Tova (good year, a traditional Rosh Hashana greeting (and this gift made me uncomfortable for a bit as well, but then I chose to view it as a "I don't want you to feel like you've been forgotten at home" gift, not a "we're still attempting to control your religion" gift, and ate some honeycake and challah)). I don't know exactly why it made me so uncomfortable, but I felt sort of like I was being accused of hypocrisy.

When I first arrived at Olin, I found a gift from my parents in my boxes of stuff. The gift was a Tzedakah (charity) box. That wasn't the only Jewish thing I brought: I also brought a copy of Rabbi Telushkin's Jewish Wisdom (which now sits on the shelf next to my copy of The Case for Israel and a small Gideon Bible). Nonetheless, at the time, that gift made me pretty upset. I wasn't really sure what to think or feel. I even considered throwing it out or giving it away, but I didn't because that would have been a terrible waste and because doing that would have undoubtedly upset my parents greatly. And, since then, I have put my spare change into the box, to save for charity. But it still makes me a little uncomfortable.

I don't want people to make assumptions about me. But I do sometimes allow them to, in what I do or say. When confronted with such an assumption, I'm not sure what to do, because I don't want to create a confrontation. I don't want to just say "you're wrong" (especially if a person has reasons to make the assumption). I don't think this was always true about me, but now it is. And I'm not sure how to feel.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

*Hugs* Poor Sam.

Though, you friends had all the reason to assume that, y'know (but being learned of manners, seeing you not fasting would not be the correct time to ask you that question. Bringing it up in a causual conversation is.)Your mother probably is having a case of Sam-not-being-home sickness. She, I think, feels helpless (Is your mother a control freak?)now that you're not home to participate in things that she would make you do. So, sending all these religiously related things is kind of still forcing religion on you, kind of making you participate in religious traditions. As you see it, it would be rude to send back a gift, or a waste not to appriciate the honeycake.

I think it might be good to just tell your mother about your problem. Maybe she will send you non-specific gifts around the holidays, like non-specific gelt and such.

"Is your mother a control freak?"

Maybe a bit... I think all parents want to have some influence over their children, though...

"I think it might be good to just tell your mother about your problem."

Um, I think I just did... Perhaps this wasn't the best way to do so, but I feel I can write about my feelings here (it is my journal, after all). I hope I haven't just offended my parents...

"Maybe she will send you non-specific gifts around the holidays, like non-specific gelt and such."

After thought, I like the gifts, overall, but they made me a little uncomfortable. The Rosh Hashana gift less so, because it could be viewed as a care package from home more than a religious thing. After all, my Mom does make honeycake every year, and I do like it, so it's good not to miss it this year. The tzedakah box though, seemed more clearly religious, and also a bit meddling in other ways, too, especially considering the note they sent with it seemed to have a very "we hope you stay Jewish" tone. In my opinion, it's a bit impolite to give gifts that attempt to influence someone's behavior (for example, it can be very rude to get someone an exercise machine if they haven't specifically asked for one). On the other hand, perhaps parents should have a bit of an exemption from this, but that doesn't stop me from feeling uncomfortable. I love my parents, but I want them to accept my religious beliefs.

Maybe -- and I'm both being presumptuous and projecting myself onto you here -- you are just sensitive to the trapping of Jewishness because you are trying to form your own identity, and one of the first ways is to reject the old ways. It's like being a teenager, but not so spazzy or distructive.

For example, if you were having problems in school and I gave you a red meditation candle, to help you concentrate, you would take that in the spirit in which it was intended: I care, and want to help. Or if I offered to pray to a Saint on your behalf, again: I care. You don't believe, but you can take it the way I meant it: I want good for you.
Someone raised in these traditions who have 'turned away', however, may find the gestures controling, or laughably irrelivant, as a reaction to the experiences they've had. And in the formation stage, where you are something culturally but not by choice, I think we may go out of our way to NOT BE.

You can see that I'm full of things to say, and nothing about how to get over/get past this. I have found that the longer I'm away, the easier it is to take things as they are meant: people want good for me. I am getting to know who I really am, and am less threatened by appearing to be something I'm not. It WAS a big part of my life, and I have lots of good to say about it, though it didn't work for me. Can I blame or be mad at the people that it does work for? Of course not. I figure that just as it is clear to me it doesn't work, it's clear to them that it does. To be charitable? That's good: but you already knew that. (You might be reacting to the thought that they don't think you would be charitable without a box?)

Can you pretand you're me when these things come to you? Pretend you're a good ex-mormon girl getting exotic Jewish presents from a friend: how fun! Better yet, give your parents my address and have them send things to me, and I'll get my mom to send the books and CDs to you!

"It's like being a teenager..."

That kind of makes sense, as I am a teenager...

"For example, if... I gave you a red meditation candle... you would take that in the spirit in which it was intended: I care, and want to help."

This is somewhat different, as I don't think this is so overtly religious.

"...if I offered to pray to a Saint on your behalf, again: I care... I want good for you."

Again, this is different, as you would be speaking about your actions and beliefs, not trying to influence mine. If you suggested that I pray to a saint for guidance, I would likely feel that you did not respect my beliefs.

"Someone raised in these traditions who have 'turned away', however, may find the gestures controling.... And in the formation stage, where you are something culturally but not by choice, I think we may go out of our way to NOT BE."

A caveat here: My beliefs are not merely a reaction to or a rejection of my parent's beliefs. I feel personally confident in my own beliefs, not just in my disagreement with my parent's beliefs.

"You can see that I'm full of things to say, and nothing about how to get over/get past this. I have found that the longer I'm away, the easier it is to take things as they are meant..."

I agree, but once again, I want to be clear that it isn't just a temporary matter. This is what I believe, not just a "phase" or a product of "teenage rebellion." I won't "get over" my desire to have my parents respect my beliefs, even though I accept that they will not necessarily choose to believe or act in the same way. Also, having good intentions is not entirely an excuse, I think my parents should also have considered how I would feel about such gifts. Foolish or hurtful actions can still be well meant.

"You might be reacting to the thought that they don't think you would be charitable without a box?"

Indeed. This is the sort of gift that could be annoying even without religion tied in. I think my analogy of giving someone an exercise machine as a gift is apt. That has nothing to do with personal beliefs (at least certainly not religious ones), but still could be considered offensive for the same reason.

"Can you pretend you're me when these things come to you? Pretend you're a good ex-mormon girl getting exotic Jewish presents from a friend: how fun!"

Because I'm a guy, this leads to a rather amusing mental image...

To conclude, this is not a matter of "rebellion," nor is it a matter of not seeing good intentions. Rather, it's a matter of personal independence and integrity, my desire to have others (especially those I love, which most definitely includes my parents) respect me and my decisions.

I don't know what Mom's thinking of course, I'm not her, but I really think she's given up on converting you back to Judaism or anything like that. I do think she knows your pretty much a lost cause in that respect. Her and Dad believe that the holiday is a time to be with family, and naturally they miss you. I would have sent you the honey cake too, though. Mom's honey cake rocks! (has rocks in it, for Zan. Wait, that didn't sound right) Mom and Dad also believe the tzedaka box to sort of be part of the home, and its always good to have a reminder to give to charity. I really think that the stuff that you might view as religious, they sort of view as connecting you to the stuff that's going on around here. You should really talk to Mom and Dad though, this is my guesses.
Oh, and the fasting thing is really okay. I don't want to fast for the next couple years either, till I get as grown as I will get. I felt really sick and weak. I might try fasting again in a few years, but not right away.

I understand that Mom isn't trying to convert me, per se. And I'm glad I got the honeycake, which is indeed very tasty. Still...

Assumptions

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Mom's gifts

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