Sam (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
l33tminion) wrote2011-08-01 06:08 pm
l33tminion) wrote2011-08-01 06:08 pm
Entry tags:
One Rule of Relationship Communication
"Question assumptions."
I said I'd talk about my feelings more here, which is hard. But without going into specifics:
It is way, way too easy to assume that you're on the same page with someone because of fear. Fear of rejection on the one hand, fear of embarrassment on both. Worry that you won't be able to speak clearly without sub-communicating the wrong thing by speaking clearly. Fear of responsibility (that plotting, defensive thought-thread): If you don't speak up, any misunderstanding is "not your fault". If talking about such subjects is awkward, awkward memories are tempting to put out of mind, without proper examination to note what, exactly, was left unsaid.
One key bit of the philosophy of polyamory is the emphasis on explicit communication instead of reliance on shared assumptions from the social milieu. Which nowadays may not be so shared; if I ask several friends, I get two or more sets of mutually-exclusive answers about what the assumption about a particular situation "should be".
So at least one of my relationships may be toast, or on the road to being better than ever. Not sure which. But boy do I feel like an idiot. Embarrassed, and embarrassed about being embarrassed.
I said I'd talk about my feelings more here, which is hard. But without going into specifics:
It is way, way too easy to assume that you're on the same page with someone because of fear. Fear of rejection on the one hand, fear of embarrassment on both. Worry that you won't be able to speak clearly without sub-communicating the wrong thing by speaking clearly. Fear of responsibility (that plotting, defensive thought-thread): If you don't speak up, any misunderstanding is "not your fault". If talking about such subjects is awkward, awkward memories are tempting to put out of mind, without proper examination to note what, exactly, was left unsaid.
One key bit of the philosophy of polyamory is the emphasis on explicit communication instead of reliance on shared assumptions from the social milieu. Which nowadays may not be so shared; if I ask several friends, I get two or more sets of mutually-exclusive answers about what the assumption about a particular situation "should be".
So at least one of my relationships may be toast, or on the road to being better than ever. Not sure which. But boy do I feel like an idiot. Embarrassed, and embarrassed about being embarrassed.
no subject
Hmm. This might make more sense if I wasn't rather drunk right now. All I can say is, you're probably not being an idiot. If you're embarrassed about being embarrassed, it suggests you've been being honest. And given that other people's thoughts, feelings and reactions are frequently mysterious and strange, being honest is probably the best thing we can be.