One Rule of Relationship Communication

[l33tminion]

"Question assumptions."

I said I'd talk about my feelings more here, which is hard. But without going into specifics:

It is way, way too easy to assume that you're on the same page with someone because of fear. Fear of rejection on the one hand, fear of embarrassment on both. Worry that you won't be able to speak clearly without sub-communicating the wrong thing by speaking clearly. Fear of responsibility (that plotting, defensive thought-thread): If you don't speak up, any misunderstanding is "not your fault". If talking about such subjects is awkward, awkward memories are tempting to put out of mind, without proper examination to note what, exactly, was left unsaid.

One key bit of the philosophy of polyamory is the emphasis on explicit communication instead of reliance on shared assumptions from the social milieu. Which nowadays may not be so shared; if I ask several friends, I get two or more sets of mutually-exclusive answers about what the assumption about a particular situation "should be".

So at least one of my relationships may be toast, or on the road to being better than ever. Not sure which. But boy do I feel like an idiot. Embarrassed, and embarrassed about being embarrassed.

Comments

[polygonia.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I'm not even close to getting stuff like that.

[cdaae.livejournal.com]

I am frequently amazed by the assumptions various friends make about what the assumption about a particular situation "should be". I tend to think this mostly comes down to other people being weird and dysfunctional rather than me being weird and dysfunctional... but who knows. I suppose I've also come to realize that in various areas, my feelings and reactions aren't exactly what "should be"... but they are what they are.

Hmm. This might make more sense if I wasn't rather drunk right now. All I can say is, you're probably not being an idiot. If you're embarrassed about being embarrassed, it suggests you've been being honest. And given that other people's thoughts, feelings and reactions are frequently mysterious and strange, being honest is probably the best thing we can be.

[chiaki777.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, even the most literal things can be misconstrued as well. Working on improving communication is, what I think, a life long endeavor.

[infryq]

Meta-embarrassed is possibly the most subversive feeling ever, for the exact reason you say -- it gets in the way of being able to talk about stuff. :(

In the spirit of questioning assumptions, are you looking for advice, or sympathy?

[l33tminion]

I think I mostly know what I need to do in this particular situation. Just looking for a sympathetic ear, I suppose.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_skye_/]

I think that this was a hallmark of my own poly experience too: LOTS OF TALKING. To the point of being ridiculous, I sometimes thought - asking the hardest, embarrassing, even obvious questions for literally HOURS at a time.
But how many times did I get unexpected answers? LOTS. and I knew one of my partners for 15+ years! Some ways I think the experience made us closer, though ultimately the experiment was a failure.

I will tell you one hopeful thing, however. I'm in a monog relationship with a man who was previously in several poly etc situations and I consider one of his greatest strengths to be his ability and willingness to communicate. I am not kidding - in every facet of his life he enjoys fuller, more fulfilling relationships and friendships because he asks meaningful questions and listens to the answers. I still run into the trap where I think I shouldn't say something or I'm embarrassed and he continuously reminds me that he /wants/ to give me what I want, wants us to be happy- and can do that when I talk about it. It is a great comfort when he acknowledges awkward moments but reminds me that we're going through this because we care about our relationship and we know that staying quiet and hiding one's self is never, ever the answer - for poly OR vanilla couples.

I guess I hope that through this awkward experience you'll come out with lots of really great communication strategies you can use in your whole life. I hope you're braver with everyone because you've experienced things working out better than you've hoped. And I hope that you remind your companions that you are going through this because they are THAT important to you.